Matchmaking Ichimaru Style
by Tinni
Summary: Ichimaru is bored and decides to matchmake Kira and soifon. Will it end in disaster? Or be the start of something wonderful? One thing is for certain... actually with Ichimaru involved, nothing is for certain.
1. Phase I

**Matchmaking Ichimaru Style**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

* * *

Ichimaru was bored. They had caught up with all the work and for once there didn't seem to be new work coming. He was bored and Ichimaru plus boredom was a receipy for disaster, "Izuru," he said all of a sudden to his subordinate, they were sitting in the large main office which contained a desk for himself and his loyal subordinate.

"Yes, Captain?" asked Kira, looking up from a report he didn't really need to read but was just to keep busy.

"I've been think'n," said Ichimaru, "Ya need a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a sheep, whatever turns ya on but ya need someth'n."

"Wha... what?" demanded Kira.

"Ya need someone ta hug," said Ichimaru as he flash stepped behind Kira and hugged him from behind, resting his head on his vice-captain's shoulder as the said vice-captain went rigid in shock, "Everyone should have someone ta hug... except Tosen-san, he can just die alone. Me? I got Rangiku," he let go of Kira and started walking around the office with a dazed look on his face, "She's so soft, so warm, so fun ta hug and cuddle with. There's noth'n like be'n able to curl up with 'er on a cold winter night. Of course," next moment Kira found himself press against the well with Shinsou pressed against his throat, "If ya tell anyone Rangiku is my lover, I'll have ta kill ya. Cause if word got out, everyone but Cap'n eight will be too afraid ta hangout with Rangiku and that means I'll have ta buy 'er all 'er sake. I'll go broke if I have ta do that!" He withdrew Shinsou and Kira started breathing again, "Course, feel free ta drop a few hints ta Hisagi. If he keeps looking at Rangiku like a damn leecher, I'll really have ta kill 'im."

"So," he said as he fully opened is eyes to take in the sight of his Vice-captain, "What ya want, Izuru? Girls, boys or a sheep?"

"Captain!" cried Kira, "That's really none of your..."

"How about a goat?" interrupted Ichimaru, "Ya like goats?"

Kira broke down, hanging his head and fighting back a sob he whispered, "Girls, girls will be just fine."

"Any particular girl ya have yer eye on, Izuru?" asked Ichimaru.

Kira mumbled something. Silence. The next moment Ichimaru had jumped back away from Kira as far as the room would allow, exclaiming, "Soifon! Ya like Soifon!" Kira blushed, "Why 'er of all people?" demanded Ichimaru.

"She's kind of fragile underneath it all," replied Kira, not meeting his captain's eyes, "She's pretty, strong, determine, honourable and her skin smells like honey..."

"Ya are a masochist!" cried Ichimaru, "Well, no help'n it then. If Cap'n two is who ya want, cap'n two is who ya well get. Leave everything ta me, Izuru and try not ta get killed," with that Ichimaru left the room, leaving behind a distressed Kira who wondered what mischief his captain was about to wreck on him and the unsuspecting Captain Soifon.

* * *

"Cap'n two!" called Ichimaru cheerful as he slipped into her room, "Ya look radiant today."

"Whatever you want, you can't have it," replied Soifon, not even looking up from her work.

"Ya mean I can't have ya?" asked Ichimaru, slithering up to her and getting in close enough for his breath to tickler her ears, "I'm hurt!"

"Damn it, Ichimaru! Do you have no concept of personal space!" she demanded as she was forced to leave her chair and move away.

"Course I do," replied Ichimaru cheerfully, "That's why it's so fun invading 'im."

"What do you want?" demanded Soifon in an irritated voice.

"Joint train'n, yer squad, my squad and cap'n eleven's," said Ichimaru, "Everyone has too much time and I don' want my men gett'n lazy."

"... you actually were here for work?" asked Soifon, surprised, "That was unexpected."

"A bit for work, a bit for pleasure but mostly ta flirt with ya," replied Ichimaru.

"Do you wish to be stung to death, Ichimaru?" demanded Soifon.

"I don' know, ya gonna let me feel ya up before ya do that?" wondered Ichimaru.

"Argh! Go away Ichimaru!" cried Soifon.

"About those joint train'n exercises?" wondered Ichimaru.

"Fine, fine!" she replied.

"Great! Oh, jus' one more th'n. Could ya train with Izuru? I want 'em ta get more experience fight'n Cap'n level shinigami," said Ichimaru with a broad, broad grin, "Ya never know when someth'n like that will come in handy."

"Whatever, now leave my office! I have work to do!" said Soifon. Ichimaru left feeling utterly pleased with himself. Phase one of his plan to unite the hornet and the blond was complete! Time for phase two!

* * *

**Author's note: **I am completely and utterly sleep deprived and I this is what my mind came up with. I don't expect anyone to read this but if you have gotten to this far, thanks for looking in. No I don't expect you to stick to a end.


	2. Phase II

**Matchmaking Ichimaru Style**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

* * *

Kira was once asked by a new recruit into squad three what he feared seeing most. Kira had readily answered that the sight he feared most was seeing his captain with Vice-captain kusajishi Yachiru. The recruit had been confused, enquiring how that could possibly be more scary then the sudden appearance of a Menos or something. Kira's explanation had been simple, "If you see a Menos, you know you will die unless you can defeat it. But only Kami-sama knows what mischief is in the works when the Captain and Yachiru get together."

"Ken-chan let me borrow half the squad for this," Yachiru told Ichimaru as the two of them sat cross legged on the ground in front of a table groaning with sweets, all of which was for Yachiru, "He would have sent the whole squad but then you would have to fight him."

"Don' know why Cap'n Eleven want's ta fight weak ol' me," said Ichimaru with a wicked grin.

"You can't fool Ken-chan," Yachiru told him, "He knows you are pretty strong and he want to cut you up when you are in bankai!"

"But I like my body uncut!" protested Ichimaru.

"Foxy is so selfish!" cried Yachiru, "Ken-chan would have so much fun cutting Foxy up!"

Ichimaru pouted, "But it wouldn't be very fun for me!"

About then, Kira knocked, "Please forgive me for disturbing you, captain, but Vice-captain Omaeda is here with the paperwork for the joint training session."

"Yay! More people for our party!" cried Yachiru as she threw the door open and pulled Kira and Omaeda in, "Let's all eat together! But you can't have any sweets, they are all for me!"

"But there is nothing here but sweets!" pointed out Omaeda.

"Really?" said Yachiru, just realising that there were only sweets, "Well then you can have some sweets!"

"Captain Soifon wanted to clarify what kind of training you wanted her to give Kira," said Omaeda, helping himself to a sweet bun.

"Ha!" exclaimed Kira.

"O yeah, I forgot ta tell ya," said Ichimaru cheerfully, "Yer gonna be sparring with Captain Soifon. Which," he added turning to Omaeda, "I want 'er ta do. An everything goes short of bankai sparr'n. She wins if she get's her Hōmonka on him twice, different place of course, and Izuru wins if he managed to get her head in Wabisuke's hook."

"Hah!" cried Omaeda, "How long do you expect Kira will last?"

"O he's gonna win. In fact he's gonna beat 'er into the ground and leave her totally and utterly helpless. So helpless that she could be felt up in a totally perverted way by third seat Enjōji of the eight squad and she won't be able ta do anything to stop 'im, even if he steals her panty!" said Ichimaru with supream confidence, "In fact, that's why I invited Enjoji-kun ta come watch!"

"What!" screamed Omaeda and Kira.

"But Tatsufusa Enjōji is a real pervert," exclaimed Omaeda, "He might... no he would really get off at watching the Captain beat someone up! I mean, of course the captain is going to win."

"Nope! She's gonna lose," Ichimaru assured Omaeda, "Ya can tell 'er I said that too! In fact, let's make a bet. If Captain two loses she has ta hand over 'er panties ta Enjōji-kun and have dinner with me, Yachiru and Izuru and not just eat and run either. She has ta stay till at least midnight, Cap'n Eleven get's mad if I keep Yachiru up after midnight, ya see."

"No! Let's make it that Soi-chan has to stay all night!" said Yachiru, "I'll ask Ken-chan permission and stay over here for the night. We'll have a slumber party! I'll even do Soi-chan and Izurun's hair up all pretty with ribbons and flowers! And I'll borrow Ran-chan's make-up and really doll-up Izurun and Soi-chan."

"How is that suppose to be motivation for me to win?" wondered Kira.

"It's motivation. Cause if ya lose, I'll make ya pose naked for the drawing club and I'll make ya eat nothing but hoshigaki for a month!" Ichimaru informed him.

"Captain isn't this a little unfair," protested Kira.

"Since when have I been fair?" wondered Ichimaru.

To that Kira could not offer a response. "So what does Captain Soifon get if she agrees to this ridiculous bet that's more then a little perverted?" wondered Omaeda.

"I'll be 'er slave fer a month," replied Ichimaru, "An' she can do whatever she want' with me. Whatever she want," he emphasised somewhat suggestively.

"Ran-chan is going to kill you slowly and painfully," whispered Yachiru just loud enough for Ichimaru to hear off-handedly as she took a sip of her juice. Ichimaru just grinned.

"Fine, I'll bring your proposal to the captain," said Omaeda, "Heh, this is going to be interesting."

* * *

Later that day a hell butterfly arrived in squad three that Kira too, "What does it say, Izuru?" wondered Ichimaru.

"No Enjōji and no handing over panties. Other then that I accept your challenge," repeated Kira.

Ichimaru pouted, "Capt'n Two is no fun! A well, at least I won't have to invite Enjōji-kun."

"Wait! Didn't you invite him already? That's the impression you gave earlier," said Kira.

"Did I?" wondered Ichimaru, "Whatever, Enjōji-kun is no fun unless I can make 'em faint from a gushing nosebleed. No Cap'n Two panties, no bleed'n faint'n Enjōji-kun."

"Ah, captain," started Kira.

"Hmm..."

"You know the chances of me winning against Captain Soifon is really low, right?" asked Kira.

"Nah, yer gonna win. In fact, I'm about ta tell ya exactly how yer gonna beat the ninja assassin princess and then ravage 'er helpless body!"

"Captain!" cried Kira, "When I said I wanted Captain Soifon, I didn't mean like that!"

"You don' want ta ravage 'er? Or is it that ya want 'er ta ravage ya?" asked Ichimaru, opening his eyes to observe his vice-captain closely.

"Captain!" cried Kira again, blushing deeply.

"Oh! So that's how it is! I bet yer fantasies with 'er all involve ya be'n chained up and be'n 'er prisoner!" said Ichimaru.

Kira hid his face in his hands, beyond embarrassed, "Is it too late to say that I was joking?" he wondered in a small voice.

"Yep, cause I haven' had this much fun in years! I glad ya turned out ta be a closet masochist. If ya asked ta be set up with someone bor'n like Hinamori-chan, this wouldn't have been half as much fun!" replied Ichimaru, as he gave himself a mental pat in the back for successfully completing phase two of his plan.

* * *

**Author's note:** ... anyone still reading this? No? I thought so.


	3. Phase III

**Matchmaking Ichimaru Style**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

* * *

Early on the appointed morning for the joint training session, the members of squad two, three and eleven met at the designated training fields some distance from Seireitei. The training involved running various exercises with the members of the three squads. The winners got praised by Kira, the losers got verbally berated by Soifon. Indeed, it was Kira, Soifon and Omaeda that were doing all the work. Yachiru was off in her little corner playing with some toy or another and Ichimaru... Ichimaru wasn't even there.

"Where the hell is he?" Screamed Soifon, "This was his idea for trying out loud!"

"Well Captain sometimes likes to sleep in," offered Kira, "Today when I went to wake him, he was talking in his sleep and it sounded like he was having a good dream. So I didn't want to disturb him. I am sure he'll be here soon."

"Feh, what an irresponsible captain," commented Soifon.

"Ah, don' say that," said Ichimaru has he suddenly appeared behind her, "My heart hurt' hear'n such cold words from such a pretty doll," he whispered right into her ears.

"Argh!" screamed Soifon and jumped away from him, "Damn it, Ichimaru, one of these days I hope you get your personal space invaded so you know how irritating this is."

"Cap'n Twelve does it all the time," replied Ichimaru looking upset and adorable at the same time, "He wants my sexy, sexy body for experimentation. I don' mind if Nemu-san invades my space and physically examines me but Cap'n Twelve is just too creepy."

"Ran-chan is going to torture you to death," Yachiru whispered just loud enough for Ichimaru to hear as she came to stand next to him, "Let's start the main event!" she added cheerfully and loudly, "The fight between Soi-chan and Izurun!"

"I guess ya have already accepted yer inevitable defeat, right Cap'n Two," commented Ichimaru.

"What! There is no way I am going to lose to your pretty-boy lieutenant," shouted Soifon.

"Ya hear that, Izuru, Cap'n two thinks ya're pretty!" said Ichimaru to Kira, making him blush, before turning back to Soifon, "If ya didn't think ya would lose, then ya wouldn't have gotten rid of the panties clause of our bet. I mean, sure that was kind of perverted but if ya knew ya were go'n ta win, leav'n the panties clause in wouldn't have mattered one bit."

"Damn you, you think that's why I got rid of them! Well fine, if I lose, I'll go to squad eight myself, take off my panties in front of third seat Enjōji Tatsufusa and hand it to him!" Soifon barked back.

"It's a deal!" said Ichimaru.

Yachiru laughed merrily and jumped-up to hug Ichimaru, "Foxy is so tricky!"

Ichimaru smiled a real smile at Yachiru before commenting, "Ah, the audience is here," turning around Kira and Soifon saw all the Gotei 13 captains except Unohana, Yamamoto and Komamura arrive, along with all the male vice-captains.

"What's going on?" demanded Soifon.

"Well, after I got up, I thought ta myself, I wanna buy Rangiku someth'n special! So I thought about how I could make some quick cash. So I went around taken bets for yer fight with Izuru," Ichimaru informed her cheerfully, "They all think ya will beat Izuru," turning to Kira, "Which means ya can't lose cause if ya do, I'll go broke and ya don' want me broke Izuru cause then ya'll have ta support me till I get back on my feet! In short," he treated Kira to a cold stare from his vivid blue eyes, "Don' lose," Kira gulped.

* * *

_I am dead_, thought Kira, _Why! Why did I say I wanted Soifon to the Captain! But it was like being granted a wish from a kami and I just couldn't resist! Come to think of it, this is exactly like being granted a wish from a kami, a trickster kami. Certainly if the captain was a kami, he would be a trickster kami._

"Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!" said Soifon.

_Eep!_ thought Kira before saying out loud, "Raise your head, Wabisuke!" Then in started.

Thinking of just ending it, Soifon moved at full speed to strike Kira on the chest. It was blocked. Surprised she pulled back. What was going on? Kira was fast but he shouldn't be fast enough to keep up with Soifon. She tried again. Again she was blocked. Two hits from Wabisuke. She tried to kick him, he blocked it with his Zanpakuto. How could he see through her attacks? She had the fastest shunpo in all of Seireitei regardless of what Byakuya said. Watching from a distance Ichimaru leaned down to Yachiru and whispered, "Ya and Nemu-san do good work."

Yachiru giggled, "Thanks!"

"Yer a doll Yachiru, how about I buy ya a doll with the money I'll be mak'n?" asked Ichimaru.

"Make it two!" said Yachiru, "Two of those special porcelain dolls that woman, Maji-something, imported from the living world!"

"Deal! Oh look, Izuru is about ta win," observed Ichimaru cheerfully.

It wasn't her imagination, her body was getting heavier. Her Suzumebachi felt as if it was as heavy as when it is in its bankai form. Her legs too felt like stones. Indeed, every where Kira's sword had touched felt so much heavier. What exactly was the power of that strange shaped sword. She tried to strike him again, he blocked, that was it, she fell to the ground like a stone, "What the hell!" she screamed.

"I am sorry," whispered Kira as he put her head in the hook of Wabisuke, "I am so sorry!"

"Stop apologizing," she bit back, "You won fair and square. That's all there is to it."

_Somehow this doesn't feel very fair_, Kira thought, _Why do I have a sinking feeling the Captain rigged things in my favour_.

"What the hell!" screamed Kenpachi, "She lost!"

"What did you do, Gin?" demanded Aizen, as he confronted Ichimaru with a truly frightening expression his face, "Kira-kun is good but he isn't that good and Soifon-kun wasn't moving as fast as she should have been."

"I assure you, Cap'n Aizen, I didn' do a thing," it was the literal truth. Ichimaru hadn't done anything. Nemu was the one who planted the bacteria that was feeding on Soifon's reitsu and slowing her down on her and Yachiru was the one who got Nemu to do it. All Ichimaru had done is wonder out loud, in the presence of Yachiru if there was some way to stack things in Kira's favour.

"Hmmm," Aizen regarded Gin for a moment, he really didn't like losing, "I suppose it was my mistake to accept the bet when you walked into my office. I should have known you wouldn't play fair."

"You bastard," screamed Tosen as his hand went to his zanpakuto, "You cheating, lying bastard. I'll administer swift justice on you."

"Wha's the matter Tosen-san?" asked Gin with his usual grin, "Ain't that a bit out of character fer ya? Does los'n ta me hurt that much?"

"Argh!" Tosen stepped forward only to be restrained by Hisagi and Ukitake.

"Aren't you taking this a bit too far, Tosen-kun," wondered Ukitake trying to keep his voice deliberately light, "It was just a friendly wager."

"Ta ya cause ya only bet 10 kan," said Ichimaru, "Tosen-san bet three months pay," Ichimaru informed him with a wide grin.

"Hah!" exclaimed Kenpachi, "Even I only bet 50 kan, what kind of a moron bets three months pay on one of Ichimaru's games? He's more crooked then Jii-san's walking stick!" Tosen just gashed his teeth.

"Gin," whispered Aizen just loud enough for him to hear, "What did I say about needling Kaname?"

"Don' do it in front of the hollows?" wondered Gin with a totally innocent look on his face.

Aizen sighed, "Where did I go wrong?" he wondered of no one in particular, after all Gin had been in Aizen's care since he was a young boy.

"Wha' can I say, Cap'n Aizen, ya're a terrible father figure," Gin assured Aizen with a grin.

* * *

"That's some zanpakuto," commented Soifon as Kira helped her up, after releasing her from his shikai ability, "What did it do to me?"

"I double the weight of the object it strikes with each strike," Kira told her.

"Hah! No wonder Ichimaru was so confident of winning. As long as you could keep up with me, all you had to do was block me and that I would be finished. Only way I could win is if I kept my distance and used kidou or something. But kidou isn't exactly my strong point," Soifon confessed, "But I am surprised you kept up with me."

Kira blushed, "I think you were probably having an off day," he suggested.

"Your too modest," said Soifon, this was probably the first time in her life she really paid attention to Kira. She was surprised, Kira wasn't what she assumed he was given his status as Ichimaru's Vice-captain, "I don't mind losing," she assured him, "It's good to lose once in awhile. Stops your ego from running rampant. It's also good to remember that zanpakuto's come in many shapes and form and some of them are a perfect counter to your strengths and abilities. If you ever became my enemy, Kira Izuru, I would struggle to fight you."

Kira smiled, "It's a good thing then, that we are on the same side. Because I would hate to fight Captain Soifon for real."

About then Ichimaru joined them, "So, shall we go ta Squad eight now?" He asked with a wicked grin.

* * *

Enjōji Tatsufusa was minding his own business, overseeing some of the basic drills that the new recruits were going through in the courtyard of Squad eight, when suddenly, Captain Soifon of squad two, the women of his perverted dreams walked up to him, "Can I help you, Captain Soifon?" he asked, looking a little nervous, specially when he spotted a grinning Ichimaru, a mortified Kira and a shocked Omaeda who was also holding Soifon's haori.

Soifon came to a stop an arms length from Tatsufusa and pulled a face. This was really humiliating but she had let that fox faced bastard trick her into this and so there was no helping it. As it so happened, the uniform of the Commander-in-chief of the Onmitsukidō had slits around the hip that exposed the strings of her panties. Looking away to the side, she reached for those strings and quickly tore them. Then she slide out her panties through the slits and held them out to Tatsufusa.

Not quite believing what was happening Tatsufusa reached for the panties. Half convinced this was a wonderful dream that would dissolve any second. As soon as his hands touched the soft cotton of the panties his head snapped back as a torrent of blood came gushing out, "I have no regrets!" he screamed as he collapsed on the ground.

The spray of blood was so fierce that it even managed to hit Ichimaru and soil his hoari. Gin inspected the damage and then grinningly added, "Totally worth it!" Phase III complete with bonuses!

* * *

**Author's note: **In case you are wondering where all this Enjoji Tatsufusa and Soifon stuff is coming from, it's form the Colourful Bleach chapters. Specifically this one http:// pics. livejournal .com / tinni / pic/ 0003b349 and this one http:// pics. livejournal .com / tinni/ pic/ 0003e85z. So no I am not making this up.


	4. Phase IV

**Matchmaking Ichimaru Style**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

* * *

"Captain?" started Kira.

"Hmm..."

"About tonight..." Kira faltered, unable to put into words his concern and trepidation.

"What about tonight?" wondered Ichimaru, "Ya nervous about yer first date?"

Kira blinked, "First date?"

"Yep and ya better not screw it up after all the effort I put in ta it," even though Ichimaru said it casually enough, but the undercurrent of menace was still there.

"But captain! This is unreasonable! I mean, aren't you and Yachiru planning on tormenting us for the entire night!" cried Kira.

"Cause we are, but it'll just help ya bound as the two of ya try and think of ways ta out wit us," said Ichimaru cheerfully. Kira hung his head in defeat, making Gin laugh, "Don' be so gloomy, Izuru! An' jus' remember, when it doubt act like me! Cause I'm a man very popular with the ladies!"

"That's because you are the proverbial enigmatic man that women think will make for an interesting and wild lover!" protested Kira, "I can't do that! Women look at me and think..."

"Yer gay?" offered Ichimaru, Kira pulled a face which made Ichimaru laugh harder, "Don' worry too much. I didn' mean yeah had ta give the impression yer all wild and interest'n can be a code fer, he messes with my head a lot, which course is something I love do'n," Ichimaru admitted, "Jus' be a little bit more assertive. Channel me if ya have ta but ya can' jus' be meek with someone like Soifon or most women actually."

Kira blushed a little, making Gin laugh again, "Yer so cute, Izuru! I would cuddle ya so much if ya were a girl or a puppy. I wish ya were a puppy. I always wanted a puppy but alas! Puppies grow-up and become dogs! I hate dogs! Puppies rules but dogs are crap! Foxes are cool though. I want a fox," Ichimaru said suddenly, "Let go get a fox, Izuru!"

Kira sighed, "No captain, you may not have a fox."

"Ah! Why not?" demanded Ichimaru.

"Because unlike persimmon trees, foxes need daily care and that's just not you," replied Izuru.

"Ah, yer no fun Izuru," said Ichimaru with a pout, "Well fine! If I can' have a fox, I'll go get a cat!" with that he shunpoed away, about 10 minutes later Ichimaru returned with his arm full with Rangiku.

"Gin!" Rangiku was protesting half-heartedly, "I have work to do!"

"The Chibi Captain can take care of that," replied indifferently, "Now, less talk'n more cuddl'n!" with that he lay down on the couch with Rangiku.

Taking the hint or rather the lack of a hint which was a clear indication that Ichimaru had forgotten that he was in the room and that Matsumoto hadn't even noticed, Kira left the room. Making a point of locking the door behind me as Gin and Rangiku started to curl around either other to get comfortable, before settling down to a nice afternoon of cuddling, kissing, napping and if they felt energetic enough after said nap, some x-rated cuddling!

* * *

That night as per the terms of the bet, Soifon came to have dinner with Kira, Ichimaru and Yachiru. As soon as she entered the large apartment that was the captain's quarters within the squad three barracks, Yachiru grabbed her hand and started dragging her towards a table groaning under the weight of make-up and various hair accessories, "Yay! Soi-chan is here! Yay! Now I get to do your make and hair as well! Just as prettily as I did Izurun's!"

It was then that the harassed Vice-captain of the third squad turned to face her. Soifon started laughing, Kira winched, "Sorry, sorry," she said in-between chuckles, she tried to stop herself but couldn't, "Why do you have so much make-up on?" she wondered.

"Wasn't my choice," replied Kira, "And you are about to get the same treatment as well."

"Wha...what?" she wondered, looking at Yachiru in horror.

"Of course!" cried Yachiru, "I even have a kimono for you to wear. Tonight, you are going to be a Geisha and serve Foxy!"

"I didn't agree to this!" cried Soifon.

"Well that's what's happening and since you lost, you just have to put up with it," Yachiru declared.

"So did you put make-up on me!" cried Kira.

"Isn't it obvious?" said Yachiru, "Soi-chan is useless at anything besides fighting, she'll make a terrible Geisha if left on her own, so..."

"I'll have you know that as a member of the noble Fon family I received a through training in many things," interjected Soifon, "Including the tea ceremony, the Shamisen and I am sure I can entertain that fox faced bastard as well as any real Geisha!"

"Really?" said Yachiru, "And Foxy was saying that the Fon clan is just bunch of assassins with no appreciation of anything beyond fighting."

"Well he's wrong!" said Soifon, "Tonight I will uphold the honour of my clan and show that moron that the Fon's are as cultured as anyone! Now where's that Kimono!"

"Here," Yachiru handed her an expensive looked yellow Kimono worked heavily with silver, "It's one of Ran-chan's so don't wreck it or she'll have your head."

As Soifon left to change into the kimono in an adjoining room, Kira said to Yachiru, "The captain just tricked her again didn't he?"

"Yep," said Yachiru happily, "Foxy said that all we have to do is insult her clan and she'll send the whole night trying to uphold the honour of the Fon clan. There was never any plans for you to dress-up as a Geisha!"

"So I can take this ridiculous make-up off?" asked Kira.

"Sure! But," she added, "I still get to do your hair-up with ribbons and flowers!"

"Yachiru please," begged Kira.

"Come on, Izurun! It'll be fun!" insisted Yachiru. Kira sighed in resignation.

* * *

It took Soifon an hour to get ready. But soon she was all dolled-up in Kimono with make-up and hair done by Yachiru in her own style, "I look like a clown!" protested Soifon, "Can't I do my own make-up?"

"But I am having so much fun!" protested Yachiru.

Soifon sighed, "Here let me help you."

After awhile, Yachiru asked, "Soi-chan?"

"Yes."

"How come you know girly stuff?"

"Ha? Did I give the impression I don't know how to put on make-up and stuff?" asked Soifon.

"Yes!" Yachiru informed her.

"Well you can tell those morons that Captain Soifon of Squad two is not an one-dimensional person who only knows how to fight!" said Soifon, in her usual fierce manner.

"Can I beat them up too!" wondered Yachiru eagerly.

"Sure."

"Yay!"

* * *

Finally, Soifon and Yachiru entered the dining area set out very traditionally. As soon as Soifon's eyes feel on Ichimaru and Kira she couldn't help but start howling with laughter, "O come on! This is too much!"

Both Kira and Ichimaru had dressed up in traditional Japanese dresses but Kira's hair was done up with a multitude of colourful ribbons in a decidedly unmanly manner, "What the hell, Kira Izuru. First make-up and now ribbons?"

"Again not my choice," replied Kira.

"By Kami-sama, Ichimaru, how is it that you haven't been reported for abusing your Vice-captain yet?" wondered Soifon.

"Abuse my cute little Izuru?" asked Ichimaru in a tone of innocent confusion, "Whatever do ya mean, Cap'n two? I don' abuse Izuru, now what ya do ta Omaeda-kun..." he trailed off.

"Feh, he's a useless lard-ass that just thinks of money and stuffing his face with food. You on the other hand actually have a decent Vice-captain," said Soifon, "If you are not careful, Kira might decide to find someone else to serve."

"Izuru wouldn't do that," said Ichimaru, "He loves me, don't ya Izuru?" he asked as he patted Kira on the head.

"Captain, I know you said you wished I was a puppy but must you pet me?" wondered Kira in a long suffering tone.

"Well that' what ya get for say'n I couldn' have a puppy!" said Ichimaru.

"I didn't say you couldn't have a puppy, Captain. You said you didn't want a puppy because puppies grow-up to be dogs and you hated dogs," Kira reminded him.

"Did I? Well I changed my mind, we are gett'n a puppy and nam'n it Izuru!" declared Ichimaru, "A nice, friendly blond golden retriever!"

"That would be a real Izurun puppy!" declared Yachiru, "Can I come and play with it everyday?"

"Sure ya can! We'll train the puppy ta do all sort of tricks! Like stealing Rangiku's scarf and brin'n 'er runn'n 'ere! Or go eat up all captain ten's paperwork or poop on Tosen-san's chair!" said Ichimaru, "That'll serve 'im right ta go complain'n about me ta the Captain-commander and Room 46!"

"Oh? Is that why I was order to submit to a physical examination and hand over the clothing I was wearing that day for testing?" asked Soifon.

"Yep, I heard the tried ta take back yer panties from Enjōji," said Ichimaru, his grin getting three times normal size, "But they decided ta give it a skip after they determined it was no good fer test'n."

"I don't even want to know," said Soifon, eyeing Ichimaru carefully she asked, "Tell me Ichimaru, are they going to find anything?"

"How can ya ask me that?" demanded Ichimaru, "Would I ever cheat ya?" he asked in a hurt tone.

"Yes," Soifon replied readily as Kira nodded.

"Well I'm hurt and only a song can soothe my heart, so how about one?" asked Ichimaru.

"Make it a funny one about a fox and a little pink haired girl, tricking the Queen of the bees into having dinner with..." she turned to Ichimaru, "What's Izurun?"

"A puppy!" said Ichimaru.

"Ok! Yes, tricking the Queen of the bees into having dinner with a puppy whose in love with her!" declared Yachiru.

Soifon blinked, "What?" Kira buried his face in his hands, this was not happening. Suddenly, Soifon laughed, "All right then," clearing her throat she began,

_There once was a kitsune prince who was a real smart ass_

_He had for his friend a little devil with pink hair_

_The kitsune prince had a loyal puppy who was very cute_

_The puppy for some reason was in love with a Queen Bee_

_But Queen Bee had never noticed the puppy before_

_So the kitsune prince tricked the bee into fighting the puppy_

_The puppy defeated the bee and the bee took notice_

_That the puppy was great and the kitsune was a jerk_

_So now the bee sings for the kitsune in his lair_

_Will she and the puppy survive the devil's care_

_Dinner and singing is all well and good_

_The bee wonders how the puppy survived so long_

"Yay! That was a great song!" said Yachiru, "I liked the part about Foxy being a Kitsune Prince! When ever he tell me stories about rescuing Princess Rangiku from the tower of the Ice Dragon Hyōrinmaru, he's always the grinning demon or silver trickster demon of the kingdom of Forever Night! He's never a prince! Why aren't you a prince, Foxy?" she suddenly demanded of Ichimaru, "Why do you always have to be demon?"

"Ya don' think I am a demon?" asked Ichimaru.

"Nope!"

"Yer a doll, Yachiru," said Ichimaru, "But I like being a demon and I don' rescue Princess Rangiku. I kidnap 'er from 'er totally inadequate guardian the ice dragon Hyōrinmaru and take 'er to my lair in the depths of hell ta ravage 'er and make 'er bear my demonic spawns!"

"Captian! What kind if inappropriate stories have you been filling Yachiru's head with!" Kira demanded.

"It was totally appropriate!" protested Ichimaru.

"I hope so," replied Kira, "I will gladly defend you to the death but against Zaraki Kenpachi I won't even last long enough to give you time to escape!"

"Don't worry, Izurun! I'll tell Ken-chan not to hurt you if he ever comes hunting for Foxy," Yachiru assured him.

"That doesn't fill me with comfort," said Kira, "I don't want to lose my captain."

"Don't worry, I love Foxy's stories!" she said as she jumped-up to hug Ichimaru, "O look! Fireflies! Let's go catch them!" With that both Ichimaru and Yachiru ran off into the garden.

Silence, "Umm..." Kira began, "Sorry about all this. The Captain, the captain is..."

"Completely and utter insane!" cried Soifon, "Honestly, if he was my captain I would have hung myself by now."

Kira smiled, "The captain isn't so bad. In fact, he's actually really great. The first time I saw him was when he and Captain Aizen rescued us from a group of hollows during a field trip to the living world that went totally and horribly wrong. Seeing the captain fight, it was like a watching a god. The god of battle, of destruction. It was awe inspiring. Since that day the captain has been my idol," Kira explained, "When I was granted the opportunity to serve him, it was like a dream come true. I would gladly lay down my life for him and follow him to hell if he ordered me to."

"You really are devoted aren't you," commented Soifon, _Just like I was to Yoruichi-sama_, she added to herself, "Take it from someone who knows," she told him, "Do not let your heart be so devoted to your captain because it doesn't matter how much you admire them, how much you love them or worship them, there is always a chance that you'll wake-up one day and find that she's disappeared. Followed a disgusting man into exile, and all you'll be is an abandoned, betrayed fool, left to pick-up the pieces as best you can."

Kira blinked and looked at Soifon, but she had fallen silent and Kira got the impression that she had already shared all she would and probably more then she intended, "The captain wouldn't do that," he said at length, "I am sure the captain wouldn't. He can't, he just can't."

"Hmpf, that's what I used to think," she said, "I don't any more. Unless you are first in your Captain's heart above everybody else, you shouldn't be so sure either," she told him.

"That I am not," admitted Kira, "Matsumoto-san is. But even if he leaves behind the Gotei 13, all of Soul Society for her sake, the captain can just take me with him. I would follow him anywhere, for any reason."

"But they don't," replied Soifon, "That's the problem." Kira didn't know how to respond to that and fell silent.

They were enjoying the rather comfortable silence when suddenly they heard Yachiru whine, "Foxy they aren't kissing! They are suppose to be kissing by now! You and Rangiku are kissing by now in your stories. You haven't lied to me have you, Foxy?"

"Izuru!" Ichimaru called, they were still in the garden, some distance from the open patio door, "Kiss 'er already or I swear I'll impale ya with Shinsou! This is the perfect distance fer Shinsou as well!"

"Captain! Please come inside and don't scream so loudly! The men will hear!" protested Kira.

"Who gives a damn about that!" demanded Ichimaru, "Kiss 'er already so we can get on with dinner! It's kinda cold out 'ere."

"Captain! We know you are looking so you might as well come-in," said Kira, "The mood is not right for kissing."

"Screw the mood! Ya think I care about the mood! I told ya ta be like me! I create my own mood! So create your own mood, Izuru!" ordered Ichimaru.

"Captain..." Kira felt a hand on his shoulder, turning he came face to face with Soifon. He wasn't sure if it was the make-up but he could not begin to fathom the look on her face.

Leaning in she gently brushed her lips against his, "Just because you remind me of me, I'll give you that," she whispered, "More then that will have to wait and be over time."

"I understand," Kira whispered back.

Clearly Ichimaru and Yachiru understood that too because they came inside, with Yachiru saying, "Yay! Let's eat!" Ichimaru just grinned, phase IV complete. The match of the Blond and the Bee successfully made. From this point on it was entirely up to them and the bonus for him, pictures taken with cameras hidden in the room! He couldn't wait to tease Izuru and Soifon with them.

* * *

**Extra Bit**

Dear Captain Tosen Kaname of the 9th Squad,

After an exhaustive investigation we have found no evidence of any wrong doing on the part of Captain Ichimaru Gin of the 3rd Squad. As such me regret to inform you that your bet with Captain Ichimaru stands and you are required to hand over the equivalent of three months wages to Captain Ichimaru. Captain Ichimaru has offered to settle for only one months pay if you will agree to publish his children's book **_The Adventures of the Grinning Silver Trickster Demon of the Land of Forever Night_**. We understand you have hitherto refused to publish it on the grounds that "it is not appropriate for consumption by anyone, let alone impressionable children" and have labelled the book, "vile, evil and designed solely for the purpose of corrupting young minds". However, Vice-captain Kusajishi Yachiru of the 11th Squad assures us that the stories in the book are great and totally appropriate for children as they were first developed for her own amusement. We therefore encourage you to publish the book to lessen the burden of your debt. We wish you good luck with this matter.

Regards,

Room 46

* * *

**More Extra Bits**

"Captain?" started Kira tentatively.

"Hmm..."

"How did you cheat?" he wondered.

"Yachiru slipped a particular kind of bacteria she got from Nemu in ta Capt'n Two's drink during the Shinigami Women's Association meeting the night before the train'n session," Ichimaru informed him, "The bacteria were designed ta leave 'er body after the fight. It was tied ta adrenaline levels ya see," he explained, "Only evidence would have been in 'er panties. Which is why I had ta get rid of 'em. Course, if ya tell anyone what I just told ya, Izuru, I'll have ta kill ya."

"I understand, Captain," said Kira with a smile, unable to help but admire his captain's twisted mind, "Once again, congratulations on getting your book published. I heard it's a best seller."

"Cause it is," replied Ichimaru, "What kid wants ta keep read'n about some pretty boy prince com'n and rescu'n some bor'n princess. All the fairytales are like that anyway. Now a demon kidnapp'n a feisty Princess like Rangiku! Now that's excit'n!"

**

* * *

Author's note:** Hmm.. people seemed to have lost interest in this fic after chapter 2. A well, it's finished now. Thank goodness! No more crack stories for me!


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